In Target a few days ago, the cashier noted that I “come here a lot”. Yep. I do. She then proceeded to inquire if I had any resolutions for the New Year.
I replied: “Really, just to be more intentional.”
And that’s it. I’ve done the lists before, and the feeling of defeat that sets in when it seems unattainable can be crippling. The fear of disappointing others as well as myself is enough to make me crawl into bed until the next New Years so that I can start fresh, really, only in the worlds eyes.
Already today I ruined one of the things I wanted to try, to not consume any alcohol, a “Dry January” (actually a concept, check it out here).
And I had a mimosa for breakfast. SON OF A. . .!
I love champagne. We had lovely friends that had spent the night in order to help us watch our kids so we could go to a wedding. And it seemed fitting to celebrate, and the only thing that makes me love champagne more than I already do, is drinking it with people I love, around a bedhead filled table, with children giggling and yummy food going into our bellies.
Now, last year, and really all of my thirty two years before this one, this failure, this one slip-up would immediately trigger a “well now the whole thing is ruined, I’m quitting”.
And instead today, as I was cleaning up the table where love and laughter and yes, yikes, CHAMPAGNE (on what was supposed to be the start of a dry January) had been lived, I said to myself, “Ok, well for the rest of January, let’s be more intentional about it Meredith, and try again”.
It felt good. Really good. The mess up didn’t negate the joy that was felt, and the memory that was made. The “failure” didn’t mean I was done for the year, that I don’t get to try this goal until another 364 mornings pass.
If I’m honest that’s new for me. And so with new comes a little scary. And a lot of overthinking. But sometimes, if I’m lucky, I’ll flip the switch, and my overthinking will instead become praying. I’ll begin to speak with God about it, instead of to myself. Because if I’m being real transparent here, I don’t love myself the way I should. It’s not good to overthink with someone who doesn’t love you the way they should. And when the switch flips to prayer, when I begin that conversation, sometimes things become clearer, more intentional, if you will.
Sure I want to be intentional, but what I need more than the intention, what I was feeling whenever I wasn’t defeated, whenever I could remember the joy experienced over the failure, is GRACE.
Oh friends, it’s a big word, a big, big, word. A beautiful word. A word that even though I’m inundated with speaking it, with praying it for others, with knowing in my head that it’s real (I’m a Pastor for goodness sake!), my heavy little heart doesn’t always know it’s real. Doesn’t always live it for myself.
So when I go back to Target (because I will, just with more intentionality of why instead of being overcome with giddiness at all the lovelies in the dollar spot, because is it just me, or has the dollar spot got game lately?)
I will go back to that cashiers line for two reasons:
- There is another cashier I go to often, (let’s call him Bert) but Bert seemed to point his nose at me when I ate a couple rice krispie treats during my Target visit awhile back and brought him the wrappers to scan. Bert said, “Oh you were hungry?” and then started talking about third world countries, and how they must feel hungry. I go to Bert’s line when I feel like stepping out in faith, or when I know I need refining, and want to remind myself to share the love of Christ even when it’s not easy. But I’m not going to lie, I’m still recovering from the Holidays, and there is no guarantee I won’t flip out on Bert.
- I want to correct my resolution. I want to tell her ultimately it’s to have more grace with myself. Because that will lead to intentionality, and that will lead to more joy, and laughter, and at least for the month of January, sparkling grape juice.
If you are wanting to focus on more grace and intentionality I would invite you to join me in playing “The Minimalist Game” for the month of January. Check it out by clicking on the link!
I’m really excited about it. There is no sign up, no e-mails you will get, find some people, and try it out together! I’m excited to see what happens both in my home, and my heart when I focus on why I have what I have.
Grace friends. This is the year of grace, and joy, and come February, champagne.
I can’t wait to share it with you all!
peace to you,
meredithHappy New Year! Good thing I’m not doing a “no bedhead January”! Grace, grace, GRACE!